Coroners Report: Skeletal Corpse Found In Arkansas Shallow Grave Is A Match

A corpse found in a shallow grave in Arkansas is a positive match to Bill Clinton, according to Belleview County Coroner Mitch Stranakof. Discovered a few days ago when a jogger’s dog came out of the woods with a foot in its mouth, the coroner has been working diligently to prove who the victim was:

“It turns out that he was about 12-years-old. From dental records we were able to identify the boy and determine that he has no living relatives, but on further study does have a biological parent who has never acknowledged his existence.”

That parent is Bill Clinton, according to Stranakof, and he has the DNA evidence to prove it. The boy’s story, albeit short, is starting to come together. According to medical records and police logs, his name was Bryce Mishington, and he was already written off as a lost cause by police and social workers long before he disappeared. One of his case workers told us:

“The boy was incorrigible. His mother was a crackhead prostitute and he had no idea who his father was. How he came to be dead is anyone’s guess. Let’s just say he didn’t exactly live a desirable lifestyle. It was dangerous.”

What is more dangerous is being the love child of Bill Clinton. They tend to not live very long at all.

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DM Jones here. I like my freedom served with a side of Patriotism and all of it wrapped in bacon.